Birmingham, UK


So I wrote this a few weeks ago when I got back from my doctors appointment. I was feeling very emotional and I needed to get a lot off my chest. I didn't think I would actually end up posting this as it is just so personal, but it really helped me to get it all out and it might help someone else going through something similar. 

I'm not sure if I will actually press publish on this but I'm going to write it all down anyway because I think it will make me feel better in the long run. So today I went to the doctors. I went because for a long time now I've been anxious and nervous with no real cause. I mean I worry about general things, we all do, but in reality I have a pretty cushy life.

So I've been anxious. Not all of the time, and not always in the same way but it's kind of always there in the back of my head. Sometimes I'll be able to hop on a flight and have a fantastic weekend in a new country and sometimes I'll get there and I just can't hack it. In Dublin last year I was so excited to explore and see the city but a mixture of the crowds around us and being in a new place for the first time just got on top of me. I couldn't cope and I let it ruin a few nights of our holiday. Fast forward to our trip to Disneyland Paris this year and a similar thing happened again. After being in a ride queue for over an hour I just started to freak out. I was surrounded by people leaning on me and getting in my space and I just couldn't deal with it.

Now last night I was supposed to meet Sean in town; we were going to see an artist talk about their exhibition in the city centre and we were both very excited. Sean was coming from work so I had to get the train in and meet him there, it wasn't ideal but it shouldn't have been a problem. I got on my train - later than I would have liked - and ordered a taxi from the other station when I arrived. On exiting the station to get my taxi I tripped over a bike and it sounds silly but in front of so many people it really flustered me. After that my taxi decided to ring me to say he wasn't coming to where I was stood as there was too much traffic, I had to find him. I was running late by this point and really starting to get wound up. I ran around the station which was full of commuters but I couldn't find him. It was pouring down as well and I was starting to get in a mess. I couldn't deal with it all and I just stood crying and breathing rapidly outside the station. It just came over me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Sean had to collect me and we never made it to the event.

This silly little thing which mostly stayed at the back of my mind was starting to effect my normal life. I should be able to go out on my own without panicking but I just can't. That being said, I'm not prepared for that to happen to me again. I need to be able to lead a normal life and so I went to see the doctor. All morning I've been anxious about telling them I'm anxious, which is crazy, but I'm so glad I went.

They asked me normal things like what I do for work, if I exercise, if I'm depressed at all. It was a bit of a blur to be honest, I spent most of the time replying through a stream of tears which I couldn't stop. I saw two doctors, both of which were incredibly friendly and emphasised how important it was that I've took the first step by seeing them. One thing I was worried about before making the appointment was sounding silly. I mean I'm a grown woman and I've struggled with simple things like standing in a queue, but the doctors made me feel like I had a genuine issue that they could help with.

I left the appointment with a prescription for some pills so ease the effects of anxiety and the promise of a call back from a councillor who would book me in for cognitive behavior therapy. I'd never heard of it before but after being explained that it will help me to understand my mind and teach me how to control my anxiety I'm very excited for it to start. I will start my pills tomorrow morning after breakfast and they can take a while to kick in so I probably won't feel the benefit for a few weeks. I have scheduled another appointment for a months time to review how well everything is working and honestly I'm really hopeful. 

Maybe I'll write more about this in a few weeks and maybe I won't, but it has been nice to get it all off my chest even if it never makes it onto my blog. 

Thanks for reading

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